What have I done? Why must you guys always tease me? Do you know it's extremely hurtful? I don't show my tears in front of you but do you know inside I'm crying? Nobody seems to see the other side of me and I'm so tired of wearing the faces that you guys always expect out of me all the time.
You don't have a word of asking me how I'm feeling, that's fine to me. But what's worse is that you even put knives in your words. I don't expect you to give all your attention to me. What I really NEED are the words that will make me feel SECURED. Unfortunately, currently I don't feel a thing at all but just whole lot of words with knives.
Yes, I know. I've been a useless person all this while staying at home, doing nothing but watching movies, going online, so on so forth. I wanted to work on weekdays but I did not. Did you guys ever ask me why? If I were to work on weekdays, who will be the one fetching mum and sis? I wanted to get my car license so badly a couple of months ago. Did anyone of you ever ask me why? It's because I don't want to see you being so occupied with everything! You guys wanted me to study Form 6 which I really really didn't want to. Fine. I did not argue A SINGLE WORD about it and I pretended I'm fine with it. Yes, I know. The family's finance doesn't allow me to study in colleges or private universities. I know that I have to understand this and I did not complain a thing about this to you guys by fighting with you guys over this matter because I know this will make your burdens ever heavier. I know. I know. I KNOW. But did you guys ever ask me what I truly and really wanted all this while? Is Form 6 really what I want if I don't show what I've wanted all this while to you guys? Really?
Of course, I might be a little lazy at home. Don't do a single house chores. Setting my ass in front of the computer all the time. I know. But does that mean I am not doing a thing? I sometimes even wake up early in the morning just to fetch sis to go to school. But you always say you'll fetch her. What can I do? Today, you guys asked me to clean the floor and I'm sorry. I did not do it nicely cause I did not put my heart into it. Just one time, you guys already blamed it on me and judged that I ALWAYS am like this. Did you guys ask me why I wasn't in the mood of doing it? Nobody ever asked me and there you were, judging me as that kind of person.
Yeah. I'm always like that. I always think that I'm right. I'm bossy. But nobody has ever noticed I have slowly changed. I should automatically do the house chores without being asked to do so. I know. Sometimes I do but sometimes I don't and I will slowly improve myself and I sincerely apologise for today. I just didn't find the mood to do these things today. But let me remind you. I am NOT always like that. I might be lazy but I am NOT the kind of person who leaves everything behind to you guys.
What I really want is not all of your attention. I just want the words that will make me feel belonged and secured, instead of words which are extremely hurtful. Take time to realise what's good in me, instead of seeing all the negatives side hiding within myself and you will discover that I am not the kind of person who you think I am all this while. And I'm sorry if my words ever hurt any of you. I have no intention in any of that. These are just the words that truly make me feel what you guys are like to me.
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